Depression & Anxiety

 

On the December 13th, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety by the doctor. How did I know? Constantly worried, mood changes, feeling not good enough for anybody. Suicidal thoughts? I never think of suicidal but there is a sentence keep on playing in my mind. " One cut, will solve everything". I know I have to seek help because I don't feel comfortable with myself. I can't stop thinking about what had happen in the past. I can't control my sadness. There's time I have to stop by the roadside because of anxiety. There are times, I felt like I want a car to hit me so that I do not have to go to work. There are also times that I just want to be alone and cry. How many years I have been living with this problem? 5 years. Doctor first question yesterday, why now? Why you don't reach out to us sooner. I have been sharing with my circles about this and they say that I was carried away with my feelings. I can't validate my feelings. I scared that if I keep on repeating the same things, they will stay away from me. For now, I have no times for other judgements towards me. I only care about my mental health. I need to be okay for myself and for people around me. I do not want them to get effected by my inconsistent behavior. How did I get myself evaluate. Very simple. I went to Klinik Kesihatan Kulim yesterday. At the registration counter, I summarized to them the reason why I came, and they give the number. Once they call out your number, the nurse will help you to check your blood pressure and send you to the next counter for you to fill up the evaluation form. I think they have around 15 to 20 questions if I am not mistaken. Once finished, they pass me my appointment card and evaluation to pass to the doctor. Doctor first question is, "awak sakit apa". I explained to her what I felt. My childhood trauma, my losses and what I felt about myself. After half an hour, she told me that I am suffering with depression and anxiety, and she need to refer me to the specialist. When she says that, I have no heart or feelings. I just want to be treated and live peacefully. Leaving Klinik Kesihatan, reward myself Kenny Rogers roasted chicken, collected my new specs and straight away drive to Halaman Minda, Hospital Kulim. When I saw the signage "Klinik Mental", I was little bit tearing. It is like playing in mind " I am not crazy right" This depression can be treated right" Well, I manage to get my 1st appointment on the 28th December 2022. Not a good thing to end my 2022 but look at the bright side, this not good 'thing" will lead to my 2023 "good thing" right. To those who are reading this, please be kind to other people because you do not know what they are going through and if you think that you need to reach out to professionals, please do so. Don't let this thing kill you alive. You deserve to be happy. 

As usual, be better, live well 💖